bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
