What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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