I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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