i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
nutella sex= disaster
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
