Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
