Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
