and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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