I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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