My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
