According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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