You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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