someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she peed on how many people?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
