I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
