I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize