When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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