kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
