I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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