I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
