My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
