...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
