I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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