I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
