today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
