I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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