he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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