I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
