guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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