I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
