Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
