I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You pole danced in your parka.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
