We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
