i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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