God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
