I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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