I'm so fucking centered right now
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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