I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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