I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
