I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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