Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
