In the future we'll all be gay
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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