She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
