i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Pants are for mortals
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
