when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
