your parents love me but you hate me
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
