I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
