he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
