oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
