Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
