Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
