you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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