Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize