At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
