Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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