It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize