My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We are two peas in an std pod
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
