I met the friendliest cop last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
