It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we're chasing vodka with high fives
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
