im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize