You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
