You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
